Except one of the things I haven't mentioned, yet, is that I'm calling this from a webWorker.. there is no body, document, or DOM, really.
The .LDF file that I'm accessing LDAP data from is 1MB, currently. It can get bigger or smaller, but I figure it's worth going through a webWorker for.
If anyone knows of a website that can offer ColdFusion help that isn't controlled by neurotic, pedantic jerks* (stackoverflow.com), please PM me with a link.
* The neurotic, pedantic jerks are not the owners; just the people who are in control of the "popularity contest".