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  1. #1
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    Smile Found these funny...

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
    I said, ‘Dust.’

    And then the fight started…

    ******************************************

    My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
    “No,” she answered.
    I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

    And then the fight started….

    ******************************************

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

    And that’s how the fight started…

    ******************************************

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

    So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

    And then the fight started…..

    *****************************************

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started…

    ******************************************

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
    so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started…

    ******************************************

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

    And then the fight started….

    ******************************************

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
    nearby table.

    My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

    ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    hasn’t been sober since.’

    ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

    And then the fight started…

    ******************************************

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

    Nah, she can order for herself.”

    And then the fight started…

    ******************************************

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

    The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

    And then the fight started…

  • #2
    Regular Coder mic2100's Avatar
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    He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

    So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
    ^^ funny

  • #3
    Senior Coder jcdevelopment's Avatar
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    haha.... nice little laugh for the day!

  • #4
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    hahahaha cool

  • #5
    Regular Coder Karen S. Garvin's Avatar
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    Yeah, I like the dwarf joke best. The dust on the TV I can relate to...
    ----------------------------------------------
    Karen S. Garvin
    http://ksgarvin.wordpress.com

  • #6
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    Quite a chuckle...thanks

  • #7
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    hahaha, very hilarious, thanks for this post, it made me smile and laugh

  • #8
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    HaHaHa totally hilarious!

  • #9
    Supreme Master coder! Philip M's Avatar
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    A man comes home from work, and finds his wife naked in bed with another man. "What the h*** do you think you are doing?" he bellowed. The wife turned to her lover and said "There you are. I told you he was stupid".

    ===========================================================

    A man gets married and is on his honeymoon. In the bedroom he removes his socks, to reveal greatly swollen toes. "Wow", says the wife, "Look at your toes! They are are absolutely enormous". "Yes", says the guy, "that is because when I was little I suffered badly from impetogo". "Surely you mean impetigo?" "No, that is a skin disease. What I had was impetogo - it makes your toes swell up".

    The man then removed his trousers, revealing very large and knobbly knees. "Good heavens", says the wife, "Just look at your knees! They are enormous! I have never seen knees so big!". "Well", replied the man, "when I was a child I had a very bad attack of kneemonia". "Surely you mean pneumonia?" says the wife. "No, pneumonia is a chest complaint. What I had was kneemonia. It makes your knees swell up".

    The man then removes his trousers, and the wife remarks "Pity you never had dicktheria".
    Last edited by Philip M; 07-17-2009 at 05:56 PM.

  • #10
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    hahahahaha that last one above. That was a good laugh for today.

  • #11
    Supreme Master coder! Philip M's Avatar
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    After dinner a man leers at his wife and says "How about we try swapping positions tonight"?
    "Fine" replies the wife. "You stand here behind the ironing board and I'll lie on the settee watching TV and farting".


  • #12
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    That dwarf one is so funny, and one I'm probably going to end up trying ... then serving time for ...

  • #13
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    Ha ha ha .. funny. Good to see

  • #14
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    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

    "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

    "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.

  • #15
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    hahaha, very hilarious nicy
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