dw5304
03-22-2005, 07:39 PM
//windows me source code
//warning if compiled Will Result in Need OF Upgrade to windows xp
windows me(){
//define kill
//define upgrade
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include
/* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include
/* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(make_new_bugs);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_bug_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work, make_more_nonsence);
pretend(there_is_no_problem,create_new_untested_gugs);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows_ME_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article about winme");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware,need_more_bugs)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version,everyone_upgrade);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
*******");
if (customer_is_registered){
arrest(customer);
brainwash(customer);
when(customer_is_no_longer_smart){
order(tracker_(for_tracking_cutmer));
release(customer_(will_be_watched_closely));
}
}
}
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_*******);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
upgrade()
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
void third_party(void){
accuse(For_selling_software);
hire(a_lot_of_lawers_to_prove_us_right); /* in process.h */
win(100* megabucks);/*we get richer*/
}
void upgrade(void){
send(need_to_upgrade);
if(custmer_says_does_not_want_to_upgrade)
say(go_to_automatic_update_download_files)
laugh(poor_custmer_going_to_need_to_bye_xp_in_two_months)
add(custmer, big)Bill_book)
when(time_is_right){
remove(custmer_for_good);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wave(money_in_faces)
Steal(money_from_everyone)
}
}
}
orginally from win here (http://www.poppyfields.net)
//warning if compiled Will Result in Need OF Upgrade to windows xp
windows me(){
//define kill
//define upgrade
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include
/* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include
/* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(make_new_bugs);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_bug_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work, make_more_nonsence);
pretend(there_is_no_problem,create_new_untested_gugs);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows_ME_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article about winme");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware,need_more_bugs)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version,everyone_upgrade);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
*******");
if (customer_is_registered){
arrest(customer);
brainwash(customer);
when(customer_is_no_longer_smart){
order(tracker_(for_tracking_cutmer));
release(customer_(will_be_watched_closely));
}
}
}
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_*******);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
upgrade()
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
void third_party(void){
accuse(For_selling_software);
hire(a_lot_of_lawers_to_prove_us_right); /* in process.h */
win(100* megabucks);/*we get richer*/
}
void upgrade(void){
send(need_to_upgrade);
if(custmer_says_does_not_want_to_upgrade)
say(go_to_automatic_update_download_files)
laugh(poor_custmer_going_to_need_to_bye_xp_in_two_months)
add(custmer, big)Bill_book)
when(time_is_right){
remove(custmer_for_good);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wave(money_in_faces)
Steal(money_from_everyone)
}
}
}
orginally from win here (http://www.poppyfields.net)